Help Me
by KidxMaka4eva
Summary: When I get depressed I write about my past. I'm giving up slowly, it won't be long until I no longer exist - and it's hurting to think how close that day is growing on me. None of you know how I am, and the majority of you probably don't care, and most of you won't read this, but please I am begging. Can someone please help me?


_I'm so so sorry._

_This is to the readers that used to know me._

_And if you're new to reading what I write,_

_I'm sorry to bore you with something that will probably never matter to you._

_You don't know me anyway._

_But to the readers that I so carelessly pushed away,_

_I'm begging you please - **Help Me.**_

**Help Me**

Where do I begin? In this moment in time in which I'm writing, I have no idea what it is that I should say. Hardly any words are able to form, to be able to create something in which was once used to neglect my anger and create a powerful amount of beauty.

**I hate myself.**

That three word sentence will just be read as anything else would. The situation involving what the sentence states won't be fully acknowledged. The message it creates will just sub-consciously be sent through the readers mind, to create a story in which they believe to be _tragically beautiful._

I beg of you read it again.

_**~ Five Years Ago ~**_

**First Day Of High School**

We all gathered around the entrance to the school hall. My best friend Patty standing at my shoulder, feeling the presence of her shirt brushing against my own. Feeling the nerves from her trembling body radiate through her body and plant themselves against mine.

_First day, _I thought to myself. _Five years to go._

"Gather round!" The head called to crowded room of first years. "This information is important!"

I could feel my blue eyed friend's fingertips scratch at mine. Her shaking palm slowly working it's way to join with my own, in which caused us to tremble together.

"Don't lose your maps!" He yelled above the chattering students. "This school is very big and you may get lost!"

"I can't do this," Patty said. "I don't wanna be here."

The head continued to speak aloud. "I am about to call you out in classroom order!"

"What if we're not together?" She questioned. "I can't go through five years by myself."

I squeezed her hand in mine. "You won't, I'll be with you every step of the way."

"Class one..." He stammered, looking towards his paper. "Kim Diehl, Ox ford..."

Patty shook her head, "something could happen."

"I swear..." my voice was like a whisper above the suffocating room. "I will never leave you."

"...Kilik Rung, and Jacqueline Dupre."

Students were nervously leaving the hall and following along behind each other to eagerly get to their designated classroom. Where they would then spend the next five years.

"Class two! Listen for your names!" The hall was silenced once again.

I swore to myself that if our hands were grasped any tighter, our bones would crumble from within our skin, and shatter the existence that was created for them, but hardly ever shown.

"Black Star."

_First._

"Elizabeth Thompson."

_Second._

"Death the Kid."

_Third._

"Soul Evans."

_Fourth._

It felt like there was a silent moment. Just for a splinter of a second it felt like everyone and everything was growing closer. As if something that burned with inside of me caused everything around me to squeeze the life that existed only on the tip of my tongue.

"Maka Albarn."

_**Ba-bump.**_

Patty's eyes were drawn to me quickly, her terrified blue eyes staring at me in complete and utter panic as the moment between each spoken name lingered on longer than the last.

"Tsubaki Nakatsukasa."  
_**Ba-bump.**_

"And Patty Thompson."

~o~0~o~

**My first ever mistake**

Quickly I pushed open the door, hurrying to place my bag strap up on my shoulder as I darted into the silent classroom. Eyes surrounding every existing space within the room, but only laid on me, and my sweating presence.

My throat stuttered. "Uh... sorry I'm late, I got lost."

The blue man nodded. "Understandable, take a seat right there."

There sat an open space. Everywhere in the room crowded up with people, other than the blue stool that sat empty opposite a tanned white haired boy who watched me - preciously.

His two piercing red iris's watched me so carefully as I slowly began my walk from the stammering door towards the blue stool. The stool that was from that moment on - my possession.

Everything around me no longer existed. The only thing that existed to me within that moment was both him, as well as his eyes. And I hate to say how they were then the only things that would matter to me from then on.

_And I regret it everyday._

"Soul."

My hearted hammered inside my chest.

He held his hand out towards me. "My name's Soul."

"I'm Maka." I somewhat attempted to smile. "Nice to meet you."

**And you know what hurts now?**

_**The fact that in that moment - I meant it.**_

~o~0~o~

His tan hand laced itself around my own. His face inches away from my own and his beautiful ruby eyes level with my green ones. Together we created a beauty that no one had ever seen before. And if they had - they were beyond dreaming.

His thumb caressed the back of my hand. Sending shivers up and back down my spine, which forced the appearance of goosebumps to rest eagerly upon my shivering arms.

"Hey Maka...?" His voice sounded so fragile between his beautiful lips. Like it were made for my ears, and my ears only. Which caused every vein inside me to overflow with happiness.

I smiled, "yeah?"

"I love you."

_**I really thought he meant it.**_

~o~0~o~

_I wrote poems about how much I was in love with him. I wrote his name against my skin as well as on the walls around my bedroom. I burned his name against every memory that existed within the room I grew up in. Because he, was all I cared about._

I grabbed the school skirt from my draw. Feeling it beneath my fingertips scared me somehow, due to the fact that trousers was what I was made of. As well I had picked out a pair of lacy black pumps, little bows resting against them to emphasise the cuteness to them.

I curled my hair. Added bows. Hair-sprayed it in place so it remained perfect. _So I remained perfect._

Just as I was about to leave, I caught sight of my appearance in the mirror. Watching as the green eyed adorable girl I was came into the reflection, feeling myself smile as I saw the curls that hung beautifully from either side of her shoulders.

_I wonder, _I thought. _Maybe I should wear a bit of make up, you know, so I look cuter._

_**And that thought alone,**_

_**was what consumed me completely.**_

~o~0~o~

**I felt beautiful. **As I walked up the steps to the DWMA I could feel myself growing brighter with every second my cuteness was gleaming from within me. And with every second I remained walking - I had never felt more confident.

_**And I never ever would.**_

Just as I reached the top of the stairs, I saw the red eyed boy standing by the double doors. His red eyed beauty staring interestingly towards his friends who crowded round him by the entrance. His popularity seeming to almost overwhelm in a good way.

His eyes met mine.

And every butterfly burst to life inside me.

But just as I was about to make my way towards him, his eyes were no longer landed on me. Instead they were almost immediately averted away from my existence and back to his friends once more. Causing every single one of those butterflies that fluttered around inside me to perish into flames and dissolve to ashes in the depths of my stomach.

A few of his friends heads turned to face me. Only to do the same and look back to the ruby eyed boy like I was worthy of nothing other than a piece of dust that was left to wither inside the purest of rooms.

_**I didn't belong.**_

The whole crowd burst into laughter, Soul included. Although eyes were staring away from my presence entirely, I couldn't help but feel that my existence in that moment had been the cause for such laughter.

My nails scratched at my palm. _They're laughing at me._

And as I quickly walked past the crowd of boys and through the double doors, I didn't dare to hesitate to rip the bow from my stupid, pathetic hair and bury it deep within my bag as well as my _memories._

_**~ One year later, everything **__**changed**_

My smiled beamed as wide as every river as well as ocean the moment I leapt into the white haired boys arms. Feeling the amazing sensation as his masculine arms were thrown tightly around my tiny body, seeming to feel that he were holding me closer than usual in that moment.

"Hey!" My lips placed themselves against his cheek. "You okay?"

His eyes were sad.

Nothing more - nothing less.

They stared towards my fragile existence as if within seconds I was about to crumble to the ground, like the world would press down on me and suffocate me completely. Like there was no way I was able to survive within this world any longer.

My hands met his. "What is it, Soul?"

~o~0~o~

Shards of my destruction lay across my bedroom. Glass, books, anything - everything. My room was now full up of the memories I wished I had never even replaced for the likes of _him. _

In that moment I was unable to tell whether or not if he was still _mine. _And I swear to god right then, I prayed and I cried that he was. I pleaded on my life as well as everyone else's that I needed him to still be mine.

I buried myself within the corners of the darkened room. I gripped at the ground as well as anything that surrounded me if it wasn't already broken, and I grasped it so very tightly - until the moment I heard it crack and it was destroyed _forever. _

_**But I, myself - had been torn apart.**_

"_Maka..." His breath was almost non existent. "I need to tell you something."_

_**I wished he didn't.**_

_His thumbs laced themselves with mine. "I'm moving."_

I wore make up. I wore a skirt. I curled my hair. _**I changed who I was - for him.**_

~o~0~o~

We tried long distance, but every second broke me even more. It ripped me apart from the inside outwards, like the seconds that existed within the world were only created in order to stab me with a great deal of misery as well as despair.

**Want to know what he did?**

_**It still hurts now.**_

"_It's over." His voice was sharp and angry._

_I gripped on tightly to the phone. "What?"_

_His voice was growing low. "Cut the shit Maka!"_

_ My heart was throbbing drastically inside my chest. Growing quicker with every second my mind was left wondering to think about what it was I had done. And with every second worth of silence that echoed on down the other end of the line, my heartbeat was no where near planning to slow down._

"_I know you've been cheating." His voice was a stabbing kind of silence. "Don't try to deny it..."_

_**He was the one who cheated on me.**_

_My jaw dropped immediately. "No I haven't!"_

"_Shut up Maka!"  
I never hesitated to bite my tongue._

_The sound of his teeth gritting echoed in my mind. "You're nothing but a pathetic, ugly, bitch."_

_ My lower lip trembled._

"_I hope the next time I see your stupid face it's when you're killing yourself."_

_**I promise.  
I didn't do anything wrong.**_

_**I didn't deserve this.**_

~o~0~o~

Mirror shards surrounded me. Resting in the palm of my hand, and staining my bleeding knuckles as I sat in front of the crumbling mirror. Watching as my reflection disintegrated to my bedroom floor with every shard that had yet to tumble to the blood stained carpet.

Tears stained my cheeks as well as stained my green eyes. I had never cried like that before. I had never cried so hard before in my life, never before in my entire existence.

His words wouldn't stop ringing inside my ears. Every second that went passed, every minute that lingered on by, every hour that I was left as well as neglected to sit there and cry in utter despair to think about what it was I had lost.

"_...Pathetic, ugly bitch..."_

My fingertips scratched at the shard that rested within my palm, feeling it's sharp edges dig into my suffocating skin.

"_...ugly..."_

I gritted my teeth. "How's this for ugly?"

And before I was able to realise what it was I had actually done, the shard was already forced to slash itself at my cheek, and draw blood from the wound that was already stinging with the sheer and utter pain.

~o~0~o~

**This was how it started for me.**

**My hate for everything I am.**

**My social anxiety exists with inside me now.**

**It's who I am.**

**But that isn't what this is about.**

**It's gotten to the point where I can't write anymore.**

**There is nothing I can do to get my emotion out anymore. **

**Everything is pent up with inside me, and as each second goes past and I am unable to save myself - I know I'm going insane.**

**I've been left.**

**By him as well as my best friend (Patty.)**

**Do you know what it feels like to try and stop your best friend from jumping in front of a car.**

**It hurts your arms when you can't stop her anymore.**

**I've been sexually abused.**

**Please don't be terrified of saying no.**

**I've scratched myself until I've left scars.**

**I've ripped my lips open with my own teeth.**

**I punch myself in the stomach over and over.**

**And on some days I refuse to eat, because I've had enough.**

**At first I thought this was a cry for help.**

**But now I'm afraid that I realise that it's just a warning for my non existence.**


End file.
